Saturday, March 07, 2009

not living in the past

It's Saturday night, and I just finished preparing my lesson for Sunday School tomorrow. Normally I do that Thursday-ish, but sometimes my weeks get a little hi-jacked.

The video we're going to use as our discussion starter is talking about living in the present; not living in the past. One of the questions is, "Does your life today look anything like you would've imagined it five, ten, or twenty years ago?"

And here's the thing - it's my birthday tomorrow, so I can remember what I was doing five, ten and twenty years ago. Twenty years ago I turned 16. I think I started driver's ed on my birthday. I had just come through a rough couple of months; don't know if it was full blown depression, or just regular teenaged cry all the time garbage, but I remember it was pretty bad. But 16 was ok.

Ten years ago, I was pregnant with my first child. (And we were in Quebec on an epic snowboarding road trip.) Nothing had touched our fairy tale yet; I expected, or hoped for, a second one to come along a couple years later, then another one after that...

Five years ago, I was turning 31. I was grieving that Neil would never have the chance to turn 31 and catch up. I had no idea what life would be like in five years.

I think I am living fully in the present. But maybe I won't wear my non-waterproof mascara to church tomorrow in case I end up crying like I did tonight.

1 comment:

deb said...

I am crying with you. Literally. You have come through the broken fairy tale, not unscathed, but refined and beautiful ... reflecting the love of the one who can bring healing and hope and the ability to love again.

I miss Neil too. Happy birthday.